Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
