Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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