After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
