His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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