WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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