Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
