I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
