Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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