You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
