Your dad touched me again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
