Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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