Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
