I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
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They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry about my life...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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