***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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