I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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