woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Randomize