i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
