giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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