No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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