oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
