im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
