remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
