Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
