I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for