I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$