Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.