note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team