oh god the rape fog is back!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
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My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
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I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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