i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
