I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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