It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
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