dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
