When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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