if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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