She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
