I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
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We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.