i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
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Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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