she woke up with a sticky ear
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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