he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My vagina is officially offended.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
