I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
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Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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