I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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