my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
