The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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