Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
