I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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