low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
