Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
