My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
