I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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