no, he came in my armpit
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
