Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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