I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
