I just threw up on my dentist
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
