just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
