I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
