I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
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I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
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I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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