the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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