dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
