I hope mine doesn't look like that
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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