he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
