so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
