I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Use "feeling words"
Yay
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
