tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
